By Tracy Tsai, PCC, CPC
Early in their careers, women often distinguish themselves by being willing to take on any task that’s thrown at them–and doing it well. They become known as dependable team players who take the meeting notes, plan the teambuilding events, cover for the colleague who didn’t finish a key part of the project or do the last-minute research to make sure their manager is well-prepared for a meeting.
However, this reputation has its downsides. Compared to men at the same level, women spend more time and energy on work that isn’t formally recognized, making it harder for them to advance. While some of this work is critical and certainly benefits the organization, without accountability and formal recognition, this critical work could be at risk of being considered “office housework,” or work that contributes to the business but doesn’t typically lead to advancement or compensation.
And even if they do get promoted, women who have fostered a reputation for saying “yes” can face additional challenges as they move into their new roles. They often stick to doing what’s worked well in the past, even if that means agreeing to tasks or projects that are not a good use of their time or of high value to the organization. By continuing to do these tasks, it can send a message to others that their time isn’t that valuable.
Saying “yes” to every request leaves less time for thinking strategically or coming up with new ideas, the very things that can lead to further advancement. In addition, saying “yes” to too many things can be a one-way ticket to overwhelm and burnout. Women leaders often end up getting stretched thinner than men at their level, and they’re also far more likely than men to be burned out. Leanin.org/McKinsey’s 2022 Women in the Workplace report showed that 43% of women leaders are burned out, compared to only 31% of men at their level.
Unfortunately, burnout not only impacts the women currently in leadership positions, but it can also affect the pipeline of future women leaders in a company. The McKinsey report noted that 58% of women under 30 say that advancement has become more important to them over the past two years. At the same time, work-life balance has also become an increasingly important factor driving them to switch jobs, with over two-thirds saying they would be more interested in advancing at a company if they saw senior leaders displaying the work-life balance that they want.
It’s clear that saying “yes” to too many tasks can stall your career advancement and lead to burnout. Knowing how to say yes to the right things allows you to have a greater impact, collaborate successfully, and increase your influence. At the same time, having a reputation for saying no for the right reasons is also important.
So how will you know when to say “yes” and when to say “no”? Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help decide:
- How urgent and/or important is this? When the inflow of requests seems to be never ending, gather information on each task first, and then determine your priorities. One helpful tool that can help you prioritize is Eisenhower’s Urgent/Important Principle. Some tasks are urgent, but not important. Some tasks are important, but not urgent, meaning that you need to carve out time for them despite the lack of time pressure. Evaluating urgency and importance shifts your focus from fighting fires to strategically managing your time based on your highest level priorities.
- Am I the right person for the task? If you determine that a task is not a priority for you right now, it may be a good candidate for delegation. If you are not the only person that has the ability to do this task, consider whether it would make sense to delegate the task to someone else. You should also consider how feasible it is for you to take on the task from a skills perspective, as there are certain tasks that would be better suited for someone else, or may provide a good growth opportunity.
- Does this request fit with my goals and objectives? When you have a clear sense of what’s important to you, it becomes easier to say “no” to things that distract from or don’t align with your professional or personal goals. For example, in one of HNS’s leadership development programs for women, we worked with a leader at a tech start-up who decided that expanding her network was critical to getting promoted, so when a colleague invited her to a Women in Tech get-together, she made the time, despite her crammed schedule. But when a neighborhood mom tried to persuade her to help run the school auction, she chose to politely decline because of the time it would take away from more important goals.
Once you’ve determined that your answer is “no,” the next step is actually saying it. This can be difficult, especially if the ask is coming from your manager. In addition, you may be afraid of disappointing others or appearing unhelpful. So how can you effectively say “no” without feeling guilty?
- Explore the fear behind your reluctance to say no. Is it that you’re afraid that people will think poorly of you if you push back? For those who are “helpers” by nature, saying yes may have become part of your self-identity and has even contributed to your success to date, which makes it difficult for you to change this habit. Or are you afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone and potentially failing, as saying no to less interesting tasks may require you to stretch yourself into new, more challenging areas? Whatever your fear, these limiting beliefs often surface when you’re operating on autopilot. However, once you unearth them and begin to challenge them, you may realize they aren’t true or justified. You can then consciously choose to reframe the thought in a way that better serves you. For example, if your fear is that the person will feel rejected or offended if you say no, you can reframe the situation to “I’m saying no to the task, not the person.”
- Be firm and clear. When you say no, it’s helpful to be honest and communicate clearly why you are not able to complete the task. One way to do this is to explain your intent: “I’d really like to help out but I’m already committed to other responsibilities and projects, and don’t have the capacity right now.”
- They learn to be more considerate of your boundaries when they make future requests. A surprise benefit is that it also gives others permission to set their own limits when they see that we stick to ours.
- Say no in a way that makes people feel respected. Take the time to consider the request and gather the information you need, and then answer within a reasonable timeframe. Don’t string someone along because you’re trying to avoid saying no. This will allow the person to feel respected, even if your answer is ultimately no. You can also consider other ways to support the person if you are unable to help in the moment. Are there other solutions they haven’t considered? Is there anyone else who might have the skills and time to complete the task?
- Consider a modified “no”. In some cases, like when your manager asks you to take on a project, you may not be able to say no. However, you can negotiate conditions to your agreement that make it more manageable for you. For example, “I’d be happy to take that on, but I’m going to need two weeks instead of one.” Or, ask your manager to provide their input into the prioritization and decision-making process. For instance, “As a reminder, I’m also working on [X Y and Z] projects currently. Could you help me think through how I should prioritize so that I’m focusing on the most important strategic priorities for the quarter or year?” This demonstrates your thoughtfulness and strategic mindset while also giving you needed guidance.
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